i'm writing again

To People Who Already Know What I Mean.

It's cold again and it's inevitable. (I've just taken off the gloves I was wearing, not because my hands aren't cold, but because the bulkiness interferes with the pen.) But like i was saying, it's cold again. The cold that makes the sidewalks and parking lots slippery, though I wouldn't call it icy. It either inspires or detracts reality or the stripped down reality of emotions. Emotions like happiness are forced to change. To smile with your teeth is to have them suffer the cold air. So you smile with just your lips. Is it a different kind of happy?
The sky at night, when it has that violety hue, when you know it's gonna snow? It has that tonight. It's gonna snow I can feel it.
So you sit in this coffee place. If you had the choice it's be trendier, maybe warmer (both in overall atmosphere and temperature,) but as long as the coffee's hot. There'd be posters of cool bands, local bands, or bands you haven't seen (heard?) before, something at least other then signs showing you things for sale inside the store you're already in. The art wouldn't be sent from a corporate office but from someones mind/soul direct. And if you didn't like the music they would have, you always have your handy ipod (or discman, walkman, what-have-you.)
And when you look outside (oh to look outside!) it's a piece of living art, the parking lot a live, drive-through nativity. The frost on the trees, the steam of breath, the scarves, the Christmas lights. And it all seems so far away. Like Norman Rockwell and George Orwell had a long talk about dystopia and Christmas in the same sitting. The coffee stains even seem charming.
You think about the girl who still won't have you and convince yourself you're better for it. You think about God and His marvelous winter painting and how you're still alone in it. And of how the fire in the bookstore next door (or any fire really) will die down and leave the room cold all night and how long it takes the embers eons to burn out and turn to ash. The hearth's proximity to the heart. And how it all relates to hope, and hopes mystery. How when you said you loved her she didn't say it back, but it doesn't, can't make it go away.
David Bazan's cynicism playing in your headphones is yours to share. And inspires you to finally pick up that guitar.

P.S.- It just started snowing. Told you.

slow and steady wins the race

stephanie wouldn't talk to me because she was writing a blog so i thought i'd write one in the meantime. so. what's new...not a lot...school's really boring, works ok, life's average. on the whole things are good i suppose. but i feel like i always have in yakima, there's this wierd spirit about the town; like an obstacle in the way of progress in people's lives. it's so wierd. my parents have lived here for over a decade now, and they've had to bust their asses just to keep our family operating and a roof over our heads. most people i know hate their jobs, the others i know don't have jobs, or just go to school. maybe i'm looking at things the wrong way, maybe i just need to move, i don't know what it is. i'm rambling. hmm.

one of my best friends grandmas died a few days ago. it broke my heart. it hurt her and her family so much. i prayed for God to heal her, to full health. (i'd like to think) i had more faith than a mustard seed when i prayed, and it didn't move any mountain. she died the next night. however i also prayed she wouldn't have to suffer, so perhaps it's a good thing that she didn't spend years in pain, i don't know. i prayed that no matter the outcome, God would use the outcome to His glory. i don't know what that looks like, but i still believe He will. death has been something i've given a lot of thought about. a LOT. it used to scare me. every once in a while the idea of my existing eternally would hit me as i was trying to fall asleep and have never been more deeply disturbed. i have also never feared God more. but then i realized that was a bit silly, because He's on my side. death is not the end. if death means the end of life, then death does not exist. death is merely the end of life on this earth. that's a bit comforting, at least to me. this place was not what is/was intended for us. originally we walked with Him in the Garden. we screwed it up. thank God for Jesus (ha...seriously though.) but at the same time, i don't have room to talk. no immediate family or friend of mine has died. the closest being more of an acquaintance. granted, i was deeply disturbed by that, i still didn't and haven't lost anyone dear to me. i'm so grateful for that, but at the same time i feel like i have nothing to offer someone who's grieving, because in all honesty i don't know what it's like to lose someone. it's hard. it's also late. so i'm going to bed. sorry if this is depressing, but it's on my mind.

i'll close with a joke i was told a bit ago:
q: what makes music on your head?
a: a headband

Light and Dark.

I watched this movie with Scott last night called Seeker: The Dark is Rising. Sounds lame, but it was actually pretty good. It was a fantasy/kids movie that had magic, but then again, it wasn’t really based around magic itself. Basically the protagonist is (unbeknownst to him until he meets some people in this new town who end up helping him along his journey) ‘the seeker,’ an important role in what he soon learns is a time old battle of light versus dark. The darkness is embodied by some dude with long black hair and this kid is the ‘7th son of a 7th son’ which was something prophecied in this book only he can read, blah blah blah, BASICALLY, I was intrigued with the theme, light versus dark. It’s interesting that there can be such a common understanding, that light is good and the dark is bad. Good and bad. I find it interesting because this is all because of God and the fall of man after creation. This is nothing more than restating what C.S. Lewis already has in mere Christianity, but I believe it’s important to remember the most blatant proof of God is (and I believe His character is also shown through) the fact that there is good and bad, light and dark, warmth and cold. Dark is the absence of light, cold the absence of heat. In that same vein the world of today reflects the absence of God (of course only in the physical sense.) This earth as it is is not what we were meant for, or rather what was meant for us. It seems to be growing dimmer this world, but at the same time, where there exists despair, so exists it’s opposite, hope, and that hope for this earth has a name, Jesus.

what's been on my mind of late...

There is an urgency placed in my heart towards the people of this day an age, and it's understanding (and lack thereof) of Christianity. Of who Jesus is and what His followers should look like. There are so many misconceptions, misunderstandings so many who have been hurt by the church. He is coming soon, and this age is so decieved by satan. I can't put to rest this stirring in my heart, and though I doubt from time to time, though I'm a sinner, still He will have me. I cannot begin to fathom His power and His majesty. I read Revelation last night in one sitting and was given the slightest glimpse. It's hard to put His majesty into writing I think, but the mystery and otherworldliness conveyed through the book of Revelation also hints to His majesty and how different and holy a place heaven really is. His coming is near. We are given the opportunity to fully give ourselves to Him and serve Him until the day we join Him in heaven.

So right now I'm not sure where I'm at. I think I might be being called to missions now. But I think I also might be discontent and therefore want to just go. I got this antsy feeling yesterday like there's something more for me than Yakima, and I don't know if it was just me being me or maybe a nudge from God. I've done two weeks of school and it's as dull as high school ever was. Considering how temporary my time on earth is in the big picture, it's just not making sense for me to be going to college at the moment. I feel like God can use me right now somewhere else, and it feels like the two years I planned going to school would only be putting that off. And I'm not sure I'm ok with society's view of me having to have a college education to be successful. (What is success?) I think what is starting to confirm my suspicion that missions is where I'm to be headed is that it makes the least sense right now...if that makes sense.

that's all i have for now.